Monday, March 16, 2009

Big Gay Day is Full of Homosexuals

Who knew?

Who could possibly have imagined that there would not be a single cute straight boy at Big Gay Day? I was thoroughly disappointed in my lesbians for dragging me along to an event where I did not even have a chance to pick up. What was the point? Although having said that I probably could have picked up if I wanted to munch on some fish taco. Or let a gay man cut all my hair off and take me from behind.

Also, I have learned that I have a thrusting threshold. There is only so much thrusting I can stand to watch in one 12-hour period. Big Gay Day thoroughly exceeded all thrusting expectations that I may have had prior to attending. I love queeny little gay boys as much as the next straight girl, but when it comes to them rubbing up against each other so much that their fake tans run together and eventually their chest stubble catches fire, I tend to be of the belief that it may be slightly too much contact. And the licking. There was too much licking from everyone in attendance.

One part of the festival that I did enjoy was the alcohol. Running out of cigarettes and having to bare my chest to a 50 year old gay man who then asked to motorboat me just for a SINGLE CIGARETTE was... actually sorta fun. Probably due to the alcohol.

Big Gay Day should be attended by gays only, unless you have every intention of getting so drunk you can hardly see.
Here's some queers from last year's festival. Except in real life they're much sweatier.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Who Uses an Apostrophe in an Australian Name?

So I work with this whorus malorus... Let's just call her Kelly'Jean. Because, after all, that is actually her name.

My main beef with her is that she is a total and complete fuckhead, but on a more finicky, petty level, I have a HUGE PROBLEM with her ridiculous name. As if KellyHyphenJean wouldn't have been bad enough, her parents had to go and add insult to injury and throw in an apostrophe. Just for fun, it would seem. How strange, that she seems to still love them anyway.

I understand that there are several names out there that to have apostrophes in them. For the most part, they are generally some kind of indigenous Islander/Maori/Aboriginal names. Any names that contain apostrophes that don't fall under the 'it's a cultural thing' category are just ridiculous and insulting to children.

I pity her, really. She had no choice to become a twisted wacko after being burdened with a name like KellyApostropheJean.

If you are about to have a child - please, THINK before you name it something ridiculous.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Comic Sans is the Ugliest Font Ever

It's possible that you're being arrogant and thinking 'has she REALLY seen all the fonts ever?' - the answer is 'shut up.' Of course I haven't. But of the many, many fonts that I have seen I can say that this is the one that disgusts me the most.

Sure, disgust is a big word. I loathe and abhor this font. It is FOUL. There is no place for this font in my heart. I drove past a school (a school!) that had their school sign printed IN COMIC SANS. What is this fucking world coming to?!

If you're not familiar with Comic Sans (have you been living under a rock?) then here's a picture of the disgustingness of it:

Gross, right?
Here's some background on it:
It was unleashed on an unsuspecting public by Vincent Connare, upon noticing that Times New Roman was being used as a font in a Microsoft children's program (MS Bob, anyone?). Realising there was (cough) no other font suitable for a program for kids, Vincent decided to invent this pile'o'garbage. Unfortunately, Microsoft liked it and included it as a font in Windows 95. Equally as unfortunate is that it was well liked by the aforementioned unsuspecting (now read: idiot) public and they decided to use it for completely inappropriate things such as entire documents and signage. Fools.
Vincent Connare says his inspiration came from the shock of seeing Times New Roman used so inappropriately in a children's program, and says that he designed the font based on fonts he saw in comic books. I much prefer the fonts used in comic books, and I firmly believe that he is insulting comic book font. Comic Sans is poorly formed and looks unbalanced, unprofessional and should definitely be abolished.
I personally refuse to do business with any restaurant foolish enough to use Comic Sans on their menu, or any shop stupid enough to use it in signage. I advise you to do the same.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

The Bank Job is a Steaming Pile of Dogturd.

Jason, Jason, Jason. What have you done? Has nobody ever said to you 'less talking, more punching of faces'?! And why was this ex-football player given lines by the powers that be? We the people do not want to hear your naff English accent unless it's screaming something along the lines of 'fink you can doublecross me, do ya?' followed by the unmistakable sounds of ass-whooping.

I think you're fly, really, I do, but you'd never be mistaken for a rocket surgeon. I think we could totally have a torrid love affair but I would probably need to use electrical tape to ensure total silence on your part.

Roger Donaldson, had I done my research, I may have learned that you have a long list of rubbish movies under your belt (apart from Dante's Peak - man, I love that shit). Had I have done my research, I may have not bothered to waste my time watching The Bank Job. Had I done my research, I may have learned that, based on previous experiences of your movies, there were likely to be huge holes in the plot coupled with terrible acting.

Pretty sure that the only redeeming factor of this movie was that chick who played Donna in Reign Over Me (incidentally, also a shitty movie). She would have redeemed it even further had they not allowed the makeup artist to doll her up like a cheap 70s hooker.

This movie is like bog in my mouth.
Unless you have taste in your arse, you will not enjoy it.